The Lunch Meeting – Navigating Workplace Responsibilities
Note from Ponn Sabra February 2013: This guest post was published and approved by my editor, while I was away. My family and I do NOT agree that it is ever allowed in Islam for one single non-Mahram male and female to meet alone. Work is not a life-death situation, such as on the war-grounds or emergency room. Therefore, it CAN and should always be avoided by adding a third person (a female or your mahram) by your side. We also should NOT fear or be concerned about our wali’s (guardian, husband, father, etc.) fear or disapproval, we should only fear Allah’s warnings against Shaytan being the third being present. Please read more in my bottom disclosure below.
I am choosing to keep this post up, because of the discussion points, NOT out of approval for advice #4. We agree with #1, 2, and 3. There is NO meeting that is essential for anyone’s career, work, or dunya. In ALL my work experiences, I’ve always simply told my clients, superiors, etc. “I can/will not attend, it’s against my religion.” Legally no one can force you into anything against your religion. I ran a foreclosure business where 85% of my business was with non-Muslim (and 2 Muslim) male contractors, investors, construction workers. I NEVER met with any one male alone. Subhan Allah, we wholeheartedly believe that Allah blessed us even more because I was so strict in how I ran my business, and I was #3 foreclosure agent in the county of 3000+ agents. Meaning, I was extremely profitable, subhanAllah. Do something/ANYthing for the sake of Allah, no matter how small your steps are, and He will RUN to you!.
WARNING: I am NOT judging Amanda, the author, nor the commentators; nor am I saying anyone is destined for Hellfire, since all sins are forgiven by Allah when one repents sincerely, except shikr. I am also NOT suggesting that Amanda is recommending #4. Last, I am NOT judging any Muslim woman who chooses to attend such meetings. I am simply stating that I will NOT participate in such meetings for I believe strongly against it. Since my readers typically want my advice by coming to this blog, I do NOT want it to be assumed that I agree with all of this content since it was published. So, my advice would be to ALWAYS err in the side of avoidance, pray desperately to Allah for assistance and He WILL reward you for choosing the harder path for Him, rather than following what one may think society, people, or social conventions at that particular time is necessary. Also, keep in mind that IF you’re questioning any action, that alone should cause you to perform Istikhara (seeking only Allah’s advice), as His answers would lead you to sway towards avoidance as well. Again, we should NOT be basing our avoidance because of or for any human being on this Earth, like your husband, BUT base it on Allah’s disapproval. I err as a mortal being, and do not proclaim perfection, therefore I ask Allah to forgive my sins and that of my families. We are all servants of Allah, seeking your greatest approval; and we’re trying our hardest to live in accordance to Your commands. Oh Allah, please bless us all (me & my family, those of our contributors, and those of our readers) and continue to guide us on Your righteous path. Please forgive our sins. Ameen!
It’s a moment that brings anxiety for many women who work outside the home: the day you tell your husband that you have a lunch meeting scheduled the next day with a new client …who just happens to be male. The lunch meeting is so common in American workplace culture that many don’t give it a second thought, but for a working Muslim woman, it can present serious personal and professional pitfalls. For some, there’s no problem; their husband supports them in their career and understands this is a professional encounter. For others, it becomes a choice between work desires and expectations and navigating their personal relationship.
There’s no easy answer and every situation is different; however, here are a few tips to make the lunch meeting scenario easier.
- Avoid it. If at all possible suggest meeting the client at a different time or in a conference room with no meal involved. Oftentimes the intimacy of a shared meal is the issue that creates problems. If this is something you don’t believe will ever be something you are comfortable doing, speak with your supervisor and explain your reservations. Chances are they will be understanding.
- Recommend a co-worker. If the client is coming to the organization as a whole and not just for your specific expertise, you may be able to ask or recommend a co-worker take the meeting.
- Make it a group meeting. Is it possible to bring another colleague along? This may also be an appropriate solution to mitigate the issues that come with a one-to-one meeting.
- Stick to it. It may be impossible to avoid the meeting. Reassure your husband this is a professional, business encounter and it is important for you and your career that you be involved in the deal. If this situation is likely to present itself many more times, this is an issue that you will need to deal with in your relationship, the sooner the better.
This is a tricky situation to navigate, and some may feel (Ponn Sabra & the American Muslim Mom brand wholeheartedly believe) that it is never appropriate for a Muslim woman to be meeting with a non-mahram. That being said, for a professional in the workplace, it’s simply not always possible. Ultimately, each person must do what she is comfortable with. Always remember to keep your intentions pure, and ask Allah subhanahu wa Ta’ala to make it easy and present for you the best possible option, for He, alone, knows what is good for us.
Do you have other suggestions on how to navigate “the lunch meeting?”
Disclosure: Ponn Sabra and her family firmly believe it is never appropriate for a Muslim woman to meet with a non-mahram. Group meetings, and bringing a mahram or other women are absolutely necessary as a third person. It is not unavoidable, it is our obligation and duty to stay away from non-mahram men (why “work outside work IS avoidable” is for another post). Money, work and lifestyle does NOT weight heavier than the warnings prescribed by our Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, who states that shaytan is the 3rd being present in between a non-mahram male and female. Living simply or even in poverty, but following the tenants of Islam always outweigh the dollar. Even though I am a work at home entrepreneur, I’ve been asked for meeting alone, and bringing a third person is a necessity. It should not be assumed that we fear this situation because our our wali’s (guardian: husband, father, brothers, uncles, etc.) disapproval. It is not acceptable in Islam. Also, keep in mind this “impossible to avoid the meeting” are we talking $1,000,000/hour? While I’d NEVER take a million dollars for something, I do believe is haram, I can assure you this one-two-hour lunch meeting that Muslim women MAY be considering was for what $10-150/hour…or, keeping a job for $30,000-150,000/year. Now, compare those dollar-and-cents with jennah! It’s pennies, right!?
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As salaamu alaykum,
This is a great article that can be applied not only in the American culture but also elsewhere. It can even be applied to Muslim majority countries where unfortunately, following the Qur’an and Sunnah is no more the norm.
Alhamdulilaah, Muslim women have the choice to work outside their home if they want to. At the same time, there are some things we need to consider as Muslim women before we take up a job outside the home and the author of the article has dealt with those factors properly.
I remembered when I was supposed to attend an interview meeting with a female professor and a student that just graduated from college. I was not sure of the gender of the student because the name appeared to be like a male’s name. And I had to meet the student first in a coffee shop before we met the professor. My husband decided to go with me in case the student appeared to be a male. As Allaah would have it, the student called me and left a message and left her description so that I would easily recognize her at the coffee shop. I felt relieved and I told my husband not to bother escorting me.
The shari’ah is to protect women, to protect our dignity and to elevate our statuses wherever we find ourselves. We should strive to uphold what Allaah loves no matter the contrary from people.
At times, it is not only about the gender situations that might be the concern. It can even be a group of women who want to meet somewhere for lunch and enjoy some alcoholic drinks together. One has to be strong enough as a Muslim woman and have the guts to say it politely to her colleagues that, ‘I’m sorry I can’t attend lunch with you because I do not drink alcohol’. We should not be afraid. And mind you, many people will respect you for what you stand for.
Remember your role as a Muslim Woman. You are a nation builder. A strong nation depends on firmness, maturity, and gentleness of a Muslim woman who has her God-given guts and is ready to reach higher heights and tackle the status quo.
[Reply]
Ponn Sabra Reply:
February 9th, 2013 at 12:31 pm
Wa-alaykum asalam
Subhan Allah, Allah works in mysterious ways! What a beautiful example of Allah’s protection, grace and love!
I totally agree about the group women meeting situation too.
I love the “Muslim Women are Nation Builders” line…I’ll definitely have to use that one! Please note, I amended this article for my exceptions.
[Reply]
Maybe I’m reading it all wrong, but I finished this article getting the distinct impression that the author’s opinion is that the real problem with dealing with lunch meetings is our husbands’ approval. This, for many of us, is not a matter of jealousy but a matter of protecting our deen and our family. A lunch meeting is not “not big deal” to many of us, regardless of how our husbands may feel about it. Going to such meetings puts women at risk of inapropriate behavior on behalf of the businessperson they are meeting with. Skipping the meeting should not at all be based upon what our husbands can handle as far as jealousy, but rather about makign the choice that is best for us, as Muslim women.
[Reply]
Ponn Sabra Reply:
February 9th, 2013 at 12:37 pm
Salaam dear sister Amina.
SubhanAllah, because of your comment I had to read this article, and amended it with my stern exceptions and belief that I wholeheartedly agree with you. Our wali’s (guardians, fathers, husbands, brothers, etc.) all have duties to protect us, but we must protect ourselves as well. Any meeting between one non-Mahram male and female of mature age, should always be avoided for the sake of Allah, and Him alone. Raising three girls, mashaAllah, even before hijab and puberty, they naturally avoid school projects with boys their age, because of inappropriateness on the boy’s part or other non-Muslim tween girls their age. I’m humbled every day, when my girls avoid what Western society believe are “social conventions” and proudly tell their teachers, coaches “I cannot do this because it’s against my religion”, such has doing this project with 3 boys and I’m the only girl, or partnering with one-boy “Teacher, please add one girl so we have a group” was what my then 9 yo said politely, the teacher quickly remembered, and made this one-group, while everyone else had partners. SubhanAllah.
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