Raising Muslim Boys: Creating a Helping Tradition at Home
Cultural Differences
One of the hardest things to overcome when I married my husband was the cultural notions of gender roles. Having been born and raised in the United States by parents who were products of the equality movement of the 1970s, I always assumed that boys and girls everywhere were doing the same things. When I went to college we were all on the same fumbling path of taking care of ourselves; doing our own laundry, finding our meals, doing our own shopping, cleaning our dorms. In my delusional young adult state I assumed when I married it would be a partnership and that my husband would be happy to pitch in to keep our house clean, because of course we would both be working successful, professional jobs.
Fate would have it that I did not marry one of my American peers but someone who had been raised quite a bit differently from myself. It seems customary, at least in his culture, that boys and men do not participate in household chores–that work is left for sisters and mothers. I’m not attributing any of these traits to religion but to culture and upbringing. This was so far removed from my worldview.
To Be Independent
When we had two boys, I made it exceedingly clear that they would be learning to take care of themselves in all aspects of life. Here is where the second cultural conflict occurs. I fully expect that when my boys have finished high school, they will go to a college of their choosing. Even if it is in the same town, I will encourage them to live on their own in a dorm or apartment. This however is not what their dad has in mind. The cultural expectation is that they will live at home during this time. Do I want them to leave home because I don’t love them? No, just the opposite! I want them to become adults and learn to be responsible men.
I am not waiting until adult-hood to instill a “helping” tradition in them. From the time they were very young (2 or 3) I have encouraged them to help by picking up their clothing and dishes, pouring their own drinks (as they are able), getting their own snacks, and doing other small tasks around the house. As they have grown in age more responsibilities are added. For fun, I try and get them into the kitchen to help with cooking. This isn’t a chore – it’s a treat! We’re a team and I let them know if all the team members aren’t playing no one wins. If we all work together then everyone wins and can have a good time.
In a Related Hadith
It is not just that I want these things for my boys but they’re actually a part of the hadith! In Bukhari A’isha was asked what Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) did at home. She replied that he helped his wives with their work until it was time to go to bed. Someday my boys will be men, and I hope that by teaching them the value of independence in all aspects of their life they will become good partners for my future daughter-in-laws.
In future posts I hope to continue this series focusing on issues such as emotions and sensitivity, bullying and gender roles. What are questions or issues you face in raising Muslim boys? I’d love to explore your questions more!
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Category: Family
Suban’Allah, as the mother of four boys I spend quite a bit of time thinking about, and discussing with my husband and sons, what it takes to raise respectful, well-behaved Muslim boys into respected, responsible Muslim men. I tell them by the time they leave our house they WILL know how to care for themselves which will make it easier for them to in turn care for their own families when the time comes, insha’Allah.
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[...] Raising Muslim Boys: Creating a Helping Tradition at Home [...]
Hi Amanda !
I enjoyed reading you (as I always do through your blog). I really liked the way how you emphasize on raising your kids the way that would make them be independent men in the future (I’m moroccan and I’ll be doing the same with my kids InshAllah if I have any). And you’re right, religion has nothing to do with arab men “laziness”… :s
I would like to read you on another topic: How do you deal with cultural traditions in a bicultural muslim family? Do you celebrate christmas with your kids & husband ? Is your husband ok with that ? Or do you only celebrate Eids ? When do you offer your kids gifts (in Christmas, Eid or both ?)? Do you gather your family (parents & siblings) for Eid meals? etc. It’s actually all that kind of questions I’m asking myself as I’m also in a bicultural muslim marriage. Based on your experience, I think it can make a nice topic & a good read for this site.
Take care !
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[...] on this topic.Powered by WP Greet Box WordPress PluginSeveral weeks ago I wrote a post called Raising Muslim Boys: Creating a Helping Tradition at Home, for American Muslim Mom. You can head over there to read the entire article but one of the [...]
Great point about cooking! Our boys won’t learn to do what we don’t show them through example. We have five little boys in our house and try to engage them in most all things we do whether gardening, cooking, cleaning the bathroom, sorting laundry, putting away groceries, shoveling the sidewalk, or changing the brakes on the car, there are small and big tasks all along the way that they can help or watch the process. It takes some time to teach a task but the time is well worth it if we’re patient and make it fun!
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Thanks for this. I’m also an American married to a Moroccan man and I agree, equality in the home in Morocco is more a function of household culture than religion. My husband and his brother (the older siblings of the house) cleaned the house every weekend and their father still loves to do the dishes after every meal. Oddly his sisters (who are much younger and still in the house) don’t participate in cleaning or cooking as much as their brothers did.
We only have a daughter right now but we plan to raise all of our children to know that everyone in the family participates in maintaining the house. She is still too young to help but we plan to involve her as soon as she is ready, and will do the same with any sons we may have.
SihamAl, I just thought I’d put in my two cents about our bicultural family and how we celebrate holidays. My husband is Muslim but I am not (I was raised Christian but I no longer practice any religion), and we have fun celebrating everything together. We spend Christmas with my family and exchange gifts, but try to limit the amount of gifts from my family (some of them tend to over-gift in our opinion). The only Christmas decorating we do in our own house so far is lights (but that is because I’m lazy decorating and don’t want to deal with a tree, etc. and it’s the same for all other holidays – I’m too lazy to decorate, even for Halloween!) but as our daughter grows we may do more if she is interested in it. Speaking of Halloween we haven’t decided yet if/how we will celebrate it with her but we also have special dietary concerns that may necessitate limiting trick or treating. For Eid we give our daughter new clothes as is customary in his family (and maybe in most Muslim families? I’m not sure) and we celebrate all Muslim holidays the same way my husband celebrated them in his family. His family is still in Morocco so unfortunately we can’t celebrate with them. I think as long as you and your husband are both open to each other’s traditions, you can celebrate them all and/or come up with new ones for your own family. We will teach our children about all religions but leave them to decide whether they want to practice Islam or another religion or none.
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