Divorce or Stay Together – a Difficult Challenge for Parents

Ponn Sabra | August 20, 2009 | Comments (1)

The difficult, sensitive and personal topic of Divorce never gets the attention it deserves. Most often, people start to discuss things openly after the divorce already took place. Then, with regret and remorse, the divorcees (both husband and wife) have to work hard-to-fix issues that may not have compounded into a “problem” if they simply sought the appropriate professional advice (or advice altogether) in the first place.

This is why the editorial staff of American Muslim Mom feel compelled to bring these issues to your attention while educating you with tips, tools and resources to help families experiencing rough times. Most importantly, you must remember that the day you choose to start a family by bringing children into your lives–its critical to always think of their needs first. Please always put your child/ren’s health, safety and physical, mental and emotional well-being at the top of you list when making any decisions, especially divorce.

We are proud to introduce you to the Divorce Columnist, dear friend and colleague: Rosalind Sedacca, CCT.

Those who take an oath to keep apart from their wives are given four months (for a final decision).(A) Then, if they resume their relations, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. And if they resolve on divorce,(B) (let them remember that ) Allah hears everything and knows everything. Divorce may be pronounced twice; then either the wife be kept honourably or parted with gracefully.(C)( Surah Al-Baqara, Chapter 2, Verse 227-229).

Tafsir (Commentary and explanation of the Qur’anic verses) regarding Divorce:

(A) Although it is true that relations between husband and wife do not always remain cordial, yet Allah’s law does not allow that the strained relations should continue indefinitely. Therefore it lays down the maximum period of four months for a separation in which they legally remain husband and wife but practically live separate lives without any conjugal relations between them. Such a separation is termed “ila” in the Islamic code of Law. During this period they must either make a reconciliation between themselves or part for good so that they may be free to marry a suitable person of their liking.

(B) According to the verdict of Caliph `Uthman, lbn Mas’ud, Zaid bin Thabit and some other jurists, they can reunite only within four months. The expiry of this term itself is a proof that the husband has decided upon divorce. Hence after its expiry, divorce will automatically take place and the husband will forfeit the right of reunion during the waiting term. If, however, both of them agree, they can remarry.

(C) That is, ”Fear Allah and do not divorce your wives for frivolous and unjustifiable reasons, for He knows everything.”

The Choice to Stay Together or Get a Divorce

This is a tough and controversial subject. There are no right or wrong answers, nor are there any simplistic black and white solutions. I am sharing my own perspective, based on my own life experiences. I welcome you to contribute your own perspective as long as you are respectful of the rights of others to see the world in a different light.

I am the author of a new book about parenting and divorce. I also grew up in a family that stayed together for the sake of the kids, so I have a good perspective on both sides of this topic. Obviously neither option is one any family would choose – they both create pain and hurt.

However, I am opting in on the side of divorce as preferable to years of living in a home where parents fight, disrespect one another and children grow up surrounded by sadness and anger. That’s the world I grew up in and the scars are still with me today, many decades later. Dr. Phil often says, “I’d rather come from a dysfunctional family than be in one.” I firmly believe he’s right.

Staying in a marriage only for the kids is a physical choice that doesn’t touch upon the emotional and psychological pain children endure when their parents are a couple in name only. There is no positive role model of how marriage can and should be lived. Happiness, harmony, collaboration, respect and joy are all absent when parents are emotionally divorced while still living together. Children feel it, are confused by it, often blame themselves, are usually guilt-ridden and experience little peace in childhood.

That’s why I chose the other route when my marriage was failing. However, I intuitively understood what not to do in divorce. I consciously created what I call a child-centered divorce, co-parented with my former husband, shared custody and maintained a positive relationship with my ex for the decade to follow. Most gratifying for me is the satisfaction of my now adult son writing the introduction to my new book, acknowledging the merits of my philosophy and behavior.

If parents have the maturity and determination to re-connect, get professional assistance and stay together in a renewed commitment to marriage, that would absolutely be ideal. The entire family will benefit and the healing will be a blessing. However, if children are being raised in a war zone or in the silence and apathy of sleep-walking through a dead marriage, divorce may open the door to a healthier, happier future for all concerned. But only – and this is the key point — only if parents consciously work on creating a harmonious, collaborative child-centered divorce that puts the children’s emotional and psychological needs first!

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

We have many more pertinent articles to share with you, but curious what you feel about our debut article first. What do you think? Was this helpful reading? What topics would you like us to consider. If you’re not comfortable commenting below, feel free to contact us anytime at contact<at>americanmuslimmom.com

Comments (1)

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confused says:

November 3, 2009 at 8:10 am

My marriage is falling apart because I had a fallout with my husbands parent. Now they are pressuring for the divorse and my child and me are facing the consequences. At the moment, I am broken into pieces and dont know what to do as the issue is from elsewhere rather than the couple.

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